It’s OK to expect consideration, empathy, responsible and ethical behaviour from others. But it’s more important to reciprocate the same way. And here we are in a world where our expectations are,
We must be forgiven, but we won’t forgive others.
Our ignorance must be permissible, whereas others’ ignorance is a crime.
Our irresponsibility is a natural tendency; others’ irresponsibility is intentional.
Our justification goes like, we can do wrong to others, but no one should do evil to us.
Hypocricy was born deep inside our mind. So all our sins and mistakes were allowed by our mind. But, the basic expectation was others should always behave like God.
Whenever struck somewhere or when things don’t turn out the required way, I’ve heard people saying what I can do and play safe, or less confident or ignorant?
We do not have the same answer when we are dealing with our children or our family. We try to find out solutions through anything and everything. Why do we face a dead end when finding answers in our professional matters? Why do we give up even before trying?
Because of the shortfall in giving ourselves to our work in totality or lack of awareness, willingness to explore all the possibilities or fear of failure and over-commitment. We want to believe in only what is visible. We don’t want to explore beyond visibility. We aren’t strong enough to blame ourselves. We are not confident in setting things right.
After climbing up the ladder in the professional hierarchy, giving reasons becomes unacceptable because you are engaged for the results and not for process or reasons.
Professional or personal – Only approach in life is going full circle to find solutions with infinite % involvement and not giving up ever. It yields results, or at least there is contentment with efforts.
Senior Leaders, Managers, and HR teams who are supposed to carry the ownness of controlling attrition and motivating the teams and employees to stay in an organisation for a long and perform. The highest attritions today are in HR teams, or seniors in the company are changing their jobs at par with juniors. Gone are those days when leaders’ personalities and integrity impacted the team’s thought process and approach.
And why are Leaders unable to stick to the integrities and Company?
Because covid has shaken the trust between Employers and Senior Leaders, the unexpected layoff of seniors for cost-cutting, ill-treating them, considering them white elephants, shrugging them off and keeping them as a mouthpiece to convey only the hard decisions against the employee crowd has created bitterness, taking away the emotional binding with their employers. This has resulted in extreme practicality and ruthlessness.
The industry has to either adapt to practicality or bring back the emotions in relations.
Make peace with self. Your expectations with people are the reason for your disappointment with them.
Your expectations from life are the reason for your unhappiness. Your expectations from self are the reason for your depression and frustration about self. So, you are at the centre of everything, with your expectations circling you blurring your vision and direction to your goals, success and contentment.
Learn to make peace with self. Have controlled expectations. Emerge out of the circle with a focus on what needs to be done to achieve measurable success that matters than giving unnecessary importance to self and others.
As the statement goes, ‘Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus’. Men are less definitive and, most of the time, fail to express complex emotions. Their way of expression is loud, or they are silent. And they don’t like confirming or repeating the same feelings repeatedly.
Secondly, they have grown up looking at a generation where their fathers hardly expressed their love and care for their mothers. More so because there were joint families, or it was wrongly interpreted as a public display of affection or preferential treatment. Only when nuclear families became more prominent did they become more expressive? Simultaneously, the dependency on each other increased even on daily chores, increasing the opportunity to demonstrate care. In urban societies, for every activity, both needed each other, which had to be evident in actions and words. But again, only in modern societies.
Thirdly, women from the older generation knew only to give in the form of care, love and sacrifice without expecting in return. Even care from the husband seemed a favour or beyond imagination since the expectation they set towards men wasn’t set clearly at the start of the relationship. So men were too pampered by women unnecessarily.
Now coming to the comparison with other men,
When women came across a few men who broke these stereotype rules or age-old practices, such women started sympathising self. Or it could have also been that the women saw few instances of other men where they cared or pretended to show off before others to impress people around
Few men also believed their wives were self-sufficient and superhumans, so they didn’t help or care. Even if they loved and cared abundantly, they didn’t know to nourish the relationship by showing care always in even the smallest of activities. They waited for the actual, real big problem or chaos to happen to demonstrate the intensity of their love and care.
At times men also care by commenting negatively about you. Because they are bad with words. The only way of managing when you have a problem with this habit is to be vocal about it.
So with all these approaches, it only shows even if the Man cares and loves deep within, his inability and awkwardness to express, ignorance and confused mindstate as to what would please or impress his lady still exists.
And as the statement goes, Grass is greener on the other side. Even those men who seem perfect as a personality will also have certain traits which aren’t acceptable. Just because you aren’t seeing them 24/7, 365 days of a year, they seem perfect. Their wives will be able to judge them better and describe the qualities they are unhappy with. Partial or temporary visibility of others isn’t enough to create a permanent impression.
Further, appreciate and express happiness when your man shows care or love.
Bottom line – No one can be 100% satisfied with anyone all the time. Everyone is unique in their ways in a relationship. You always crave for what you don’t have than being happy about what you have. Acceptance and moderation is the key to being content in any connection. As Buddha says, ‘Desire is the cause of misery’
You feel your wife is no more beautiful. Other women are. You think your husband isn’t as understanding and caring as other men are. Is it true?
It’s always the tendency to long for things we don’t have. And in an attempt to do so, we forget to see around us and admire what we have. Most of the time, you’ve lived with the best for you. You chose, or your parents chose, and God also stamped your relationship because that is the best possible to suit you and what you deserve. You might feel you are too good for the other. The other feels the same too. It’s ok. There has to be an imbalance to keep the balance. Each of you needs to be inferior or superior to the other in some aspects.
Your wife was beautiful when she married. That was the reason you married her. The only thing to notice is, over a while, she might have groomed herself less than an actress would do. She spent less on her jewellery and clothing, worrying about family finance. She might not have given time for carrying herself well and grooming to give more time to her family and kept herself less attractive and low-lying so that other men aren’t attracted to her. Or she might have felt since you have chosen her, her quest to go looking for someone else to impress has ended. That doesn’t make her less beautiful than Ms Universe.
Her post-pregnancy changes in her looks and body structure will have left her to change her definition of beauty. Had she made cautious and deliberate attempts by going for weight loss and plastic surgeries, yoga, exercise, parlours, spa, saloon, any day, she could still be Ms Beautiful. But owing to your combined family goals, you will find her more engrossed in caring for you and your family. That doesn’t give you the right to compare her with other women. What if few women have still carried themselves well in the whole journey? Well, they were more competent in keeping their beauty and family goals balanced. But, probably, your wife prioritised only family. So, respect her for keeping you and your family above all. Please do not take her for granted or despise her. Apparently, only she can be forever beautiful and perfect for you if you analyse from all dimensions. And if you do not value what you have been blessed with, someday you will repent for losing the same. Await the Men’s version in the next blog !!!
A leader should know to speak as well as listen. Else, the team interprets his silence in different ways. It might be weakness, incapabality to motivatate or lack of knowledge and inability to decide. And all the above skills can be derived from listening.
Are you married and unhappy about getting exhausted in a relationship? Both feel I’m doing more than the other. Both feel the latter is ungrateful. And one of them ends up getting exhausted at times. It’s okay to be the one who is doing more in a relationship. The only criterion is not to bring frustration with the other for doing more if you gain happiness and contentment in making your loved one happy. But, the nonnegotiable action is not taking the one doing more for granted and being ungrateful about the same. Again, what is the solution? Don’t exhaust yourself, be vocal about your unhappiness sensibly and maturely. Give a lot of time to yourself and pass a few of your responsibilities slowly to the other in a planned way without causing friction in the discussions. Many things can also be sorted without nasty arguments and comments at the other.
Revealing your shortcoming and frustrations to people junior to your age or designation gives them enough ammunition to use on you at the wrong time. Know where to open your heart and mind. We are creating weapons in people’s minds to fight us whether they are right or wrong. Allowing people to get judgemental about you takes away the control and authority you need to execute on others. To gain sympathy or a shoulder to lean on due to momentary emotion, we shake the foundations of the empire we have built.
As a leader, we got to push both ends. But, the fallout is due to moving the most accessible end, not towards results but towards convenience. The justification given is we are endeavoring to be a moderator. Whatever the reason, the positive effect is the only evaluating parameter for all the actions.
